Podcast: E16 - Shoulding

Listen to the episode here: E16 - Shoulding - https://apple.co/4aVxnfd

Hello there, it's Dr. Tiffany. I wanna welcome you to episode 16 of the podcast, Integrative Mental Health Therapy with Dr. Tiffany. And I'm super excited to be recording this one. We are still in the anxiety series and the focus of this one is shoulds. And I think it'll be a great segue into focusing a bit more on what I'm traditionally known for working on, which is ADHD, because I do find that as we start to shift away from just anxiety, but also the kind of intersection of ADHD and anxiety, which shows up a lot, should also show up a lot in the community that I serve.

However, I do want to recap a little bit from our last episode, episode 15, where I posed the question what if? And I did so because what if shows up as a thought distortion constantly in my practice. I think it's like a whole thing with people in general based off of the response that I got. And people what if a lot in the diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder, right? So what if this goes wrong? What if I don't? Have this what if the weather is wrong? What if I you know say the wrong thing? what if what if what if with and it's a way for people to activate anxiety in their system and The response I got was really just so appreciated and landed so well in my system around techniques that people have encountered in the past with what if and how to challenge it.

And a number of you responded with this idea that you'd picked up along the way, what if it goes right? What if it goes well? Responding to that voice, which is a bit of a challenge. And I so appreciated, you know, just the techniques that y'all have been using that have been helpful for you. And the idea with that is of responding to this part that is what ifing the system with, you know, well, what if it goes well? What if it is absolutely amazing experience? What if I nail this presentation? What if I say exactly the right thing at exactly the right time? What if I don't have an episode or an attack? What if I don't have a flair? What if I have lots of energy when I get there, right? Speaking to all the kinds of things that show up in my specific type of practice of dealing with a lot of intersection of brain, body, and mind, right?

So, I think that is fantastic. I think from a IFS perspective, you're talking about having like, you know, from a self leadership perspective, a very gentle kind of interruption, like a pattern interruption from self to a part, which I thought was really, really helpful, as long as it's coming from a place of validating that concerned part and then assisting that concern activate a part.

The other thing I was thinking about is from a very brain-based perspective, because you all know that I'm really diversely trained. And that's part of why people will select me in my practice is because they know that I am pulling from a pretty diverse toolbox. And when the first time I think someone posted about this on social media or said something in session. One of the things I mentioned was, you know, from a neural pathway perspective, that is absolutely what you're supposed to be doing in cognitive behavioral therapy. You have to develop another part of your brain that can see a different perspective.

If you can generate this negative perspective that may be based on something that happened in the past, but a lot of times when I go looking, people have never even had this perspective, this thing happened that they have this perspective on, they've never even had it happen. They're just worried. They don't even know anyone who's had it happen. They just think it's a thing that could happen, right? So if you can create this fear and anxiety in your system, you've gotta create a neural pathway where there's hope and optimism. That is allowed. That is not Pollyanna thinking. It is okay to create a safe space in your brain. And you can see it on brain imaging where areas can atrophy and other areas can hypertrophy. So areas can get smaller and other areas can get bigger. We say often what you focus on grows, you know, and literally in the brain, you can see when somebody is doing something in a repeated manner, that area fires stronger, that area gets bigger. So from a purely brain perspective, not a mind perspective, it's super important to develop pathways in the brain where there's not fear and anxiety and worry. It really is appropriate.

And so I love that idea of developing across the brain to another area, a place of hope, a place of optimism. And what you're supposed to do in neuropsychotherapy, so brain-based therapy that uses cognitive restructuring is you are supposed to do that as an opposing approach to this worrying thinking. And if you're really good at it, because the brain is like something between like 60 to 75% visual, I can't remember exactly the percentage because I'm just thinking about this as I'm talking, you put an image with it. And boy, does that really grow that area of the brain that has a more, you know, uplifting, optimistic, less scary, less anxiety inducing pathway going. So if you can lock it in with something visual, if you can visualize the thing going really well, that's helpful. Right.

And then, so to take that into the shoulds, um, there's a lot of like research in, um, in the science of mental health. Right. And, um, the tyranny of the shoulds, I swear was, was looked at as far back as the 1930s, I think is when they started to note, uh, the should thinking. And again, I'm not looking at anything. I'm going from memory. So if anyone wants to fact check me, feel free, let me know. I always enjoy like, hey, I listened to the podcast or I followed up on this or tried to apply this or here's what I did. I'm just so glad you're listening, right?

The idea always was to take my bullhorn and to have a moment to talk to people about these things that come up for me in session that I don't get to talk about because the sessions are really following your parts and following, you know, I spent an hour with someone this morning and all we did was drill down on this one health issue. And I don't get to say what I wanted to say about this person's activation and anxiety in their system because it just wasn't the right time.

But I'm always so grateful when you provide feedback. In the tyranny of the shoulds, I swear it was in the 1930s and what they were doing mostly was researching more depression and that there was commonality, there were like a list of types of thought distortions that people who were in deep depression, deep depression, they all seemed to have, there was a type of thinking pattern that they all seemed to adhere to, and they had the top like common thought distortions, right? And so they would should all over themselves, right? I should have done this and I shouldn't have done that. And furthermore, my parents should have done this and they shouldn't have done that, and my boss should have done this and they shouldn't have done that, and should, should, should

, right?

So they would have like that and black and white thinking and overgeneralization. So it's always and never, nothing ever works for me. I never get it right. People are always against me. They had a certain type of thinking pattern. And this is just true in the mental health space. period, like I will find people who are diagnosed with anxiety who have these type of thought distortions and never think about what they're thinking about. They don't engage in metacognition. There is a great deal of self-blindness, particularly in the ADHD community that I serve.

And so you know, you don't even think about the fact that you're not thinking about what you are thinking about, right? So that is kind of my job. I will show up and say, you know, I mean this as me showing up doing my job. I don't think you are aware of what you tell yourself. And people will get a little snagged on the fact sometimes that I'm like not talking about the actual interpersonal experience they had, meaning I'm not talking about what went on between them and their spouse, because to be honest, that is only a secondary issue. That thing happened at work, that thing happened with the spouse, that thing happened in the friendship because of what was going on in your thought life. So if you were shooting yourself or you were shooting your spouse in your head, if you were shooting your friend in your head, then the emotional residue of the word should is oftentimes a shaming, blaming, anger type of energy. The emotional residue of The shoulding is usually a blaming, frustrated, unhappy perspective. It's a shaming word. To should is to shame. And so when you think that about yourself, you feel ashamed. When you think that about the other person, you feel like they're supposed to be ashamed of what they did, right?

more alternate universe, be accurate. It has been linked to mental suffering, just period, right? And this is a low hanging fruit. Some of the things like IFS are really complicated, right? I know therapists who have not been formally trained, who won't embark on it. It's a more complicated approach. Internal family systems, looking at your parts, trying to listen to them, work with them, that's hard.

Here's what I will tell you. Anyone can hear themselves say should people who say should in their head usually say should in the world out their mouth To me about themselves about other people and I will often say well I wouldn't should you or you don't have to should yourself or maybe we don't want to should them Right. I'll just say that. Oh, oh, oh, I know I know right right. I'm supposed to say wish Okay, dr. Tiffany wish I really wish I'd done that differently. I wish you'd done that differently too. Because it wouldn't have been so hard on you. It wouldn't have been so hard on your relationship, right?

And wish is a hope-filled word. Wish does not release the same chemicals in the brain as the word should, right? It just doesn't release the same neurochemicals in the brain as the word should. And something as simple as shifting from should to wish. And I know there are other words, but I'm going to be honest, these are the ones that have been tested. So let's just use these. Okay. I know there are other things we could do, but this is what I've been trained on. This is what has stood the test of the testing. And I would just say, let's just use wish. I have been using it for the last, what 18 years successfully in practice and in my own head. I really wish I'd done that differently. I really wish that had gone differently. I really wish. my boss was aware of how they come across.

Woo, instead of my boss should know that they come across like that, right? All that sass. And nobody actually says these things to the boss, they just say it to their friend, which just sends more of these negative activating chemicals of anxiety into their system and now to their friend. So it just doesn't help anything, right? So what we have found is if we ask, people to say, and I use this personally, wish in their head, now you're releasing a more neutral chemical or even a more optimistic chemical into the brain. So now you're reducing your own level of anxiety, which means you need less supplements, you need fewer medications, you need fewer adjustments to your relationship. It just helps everything else in your life. So stop shitting all over yourself. Add a little optimism to your thought life. It's okay to have wishful thinking, right? It's okay to wish, not magical thinking, just wish, right? That's a whole other type of thought distortion.

Okay, so I hope this one has landed with you. Remember, we're always in this space of brain, body, mind. How you talk to yourself changes the way your brain is firing and impacts the chemicals that are actually in your body. And people who have chronic health issues show up in an office like mine in an integrative space, tightness in their muscles, digestive issues, chronic migraines, all these things. I would put money on the fact that their thought life needs some work.

Now, it's not just the thinking, I don't blame the victim, but it's a piece of it. It is a piece of it, right? A lot of times people who should had a critical someone in their life and so this voice in their head is just that critical Person that they used to listen to when they were younger Just working on this thing this one thing can undo so much So it's brain body mind can improve your health to say wish instead of should isn't that powerful? I just think that's incredible Okay I have an idea of what I'm gonna talk about next time, but I really wanna see how this one lands with you before I commit to this next one.

But I will say, on the horizon is a conversation about heart rate variability, heart rate variability or HRV scores, and what that means for your overall health, and how it shows up in ADHD and all of the things. I cannot wait to talk about it. I can't wait to talk about heart math at some point in the near future. Until next time, be well.