E21: RSD Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria

Listen to the episode here: E21-RSD Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria - https://apple.co/4eeYVOe

Hey there, friend. This is episode 21, and it is RSD continued. I indicated in the previous episode that we would come back to rejection sensitivity and its prevalence in the ADHD community or neurodivergent community. I definitely have clients with AUDHD who struggle with rejection sensitivity as well.

And I just wanted to kind of go into it a little bit more utilizing my three-leg stool approach because I think that's my unique perspective on this and lean into the neurological piece a little bit. And as I transition into that, I just wanna speak to how often I see it show up in my practice and how I am, I don't know, I'm almost like I have parts of my system that I have to work with that feel so much concern for the emotional pain that I see my clients go through because of their unique neurology. And so I'll do part to work with clients and help them work with the part of them that feels so deeply wounded or in pain when it comes to being like misunderstood and at times what feels like controlled or just judged or rejected. The intense pain that can show up will manifest in different ways. It can be an internalized frustration. It can be an outward expression of it where individuals will hurt something, hurt themselves. A lot of property destruction kind of thing.

But it's fascinating, lots of arguing or things like that, but it's fascinating to me how intense and how aggressive it rolls in and how long it hangs out, you know? And it's the neurology that's part of it, right? So there's the parts and it's the parts that have developed in the system psychologically over time.

But let's talk neurology. ADHD is a neurological diagnosis, AUDHD, which is autism and ADHD combined. These are neurological diagnoses that are treated psychologically and in the psychiatric domain. And you're talking about the front brain, which is what I like to describe as glitchy to my clients, that is full of executive function responsibility. Part of it is emotional regulation. It's like a gatekeeper. And in the back of the brain, the limbic brain and different areas of the limbic brain, because you've got anxious areas of the brain, you've got more tending towards sad.

You've got rigidity, you've got different areas of the brain. So I'm thinking limbic, I'm thinking basal ganglia, I'm thinking interior cingulate gyrus, I'm thinking about gear shifting parts, you got all this stuff in the back part of the brain. And unfortunately, what comes up, comes out sometimes, right? And so if someone, if your partner says the wrong thing, if someone at work says the wrong thing, if someone, some complete stranger kind of, you know, says a word that doesn't land properly, it can be the most awful moment, right? So this is because the gatekeeper let what came up come out and be experienced instead of the CEO of the brain, the prefrontal cortex, saying you know, can we think about this? Can we regulate this a bit? Can we down-regulate? Is there something that can be done? Are you sure this is right? It sounds like you're perseverating or ruminating. And so a lot of times when I'm doing therapy with people, it's also letting them borrow my prefrontal cortex. It's also me being an externalized prefrontal cortex that has my parts in order, right? And I'm not sitting in judgment. I'm sitting in compassion, I'm sitting in curiosity, yet at the same time I'm being super courageous. And I'm like, are you sure you didn't misunderstand that word? You know, I think that you might be rejected in this moment and that you're ruminating on that big feeling and that's why you want to blow everything up.

I think it's one of the executive functions that we know that you struggle with is kind of that long-term planning and prioritization. And so maybe you're prioritizing this big feeling over your future. That's my job. That's my job is to hear it, know that some parts got activated, know that the limbic brain got activated, and then help the person utilize my brain in a way that feels very safe to the nervous system.

And I have been doing way more intensives lately, one day intensives, three day intensives. And then I also have a five day nervous system rewiring intensive that I've been doing for, this is the second year that I've offered it. And one of the beautiful things that I have found is that when I get to spend hours with a client, and then we're intentionally working on neuroplasticity and kind of rewiring the nervous system in the brain, we can get into some of this deep work and kind of repatterning, and then getting into really safe spaces for people to kind of look at, how do I respond when my back brain wants to take over my front brain? How can I get a sense of it feeling in my body? Because we try to do it in session. We try to activate those painful moments, allowing the nervous system to experience it, to sit in it, to sense it, but knowing that we're doing all the things to kind of metabolize that experience and then kind of reboot, rewire, especially the five day intensive, it's a rebooting and rewiring. I use Safe and Sound Protocol from Dr. Porges, which literally goes in and kind of pulls the system out of sympathetic dominance, which is that heightened nervous system, anxious, overwhelmed place, and really simmers it down. It's really beautiful, and it gives the client a bit more of a break, and literally like a breaking system when it comes to those emotions coming up and out. That's one of the strategies that I have found when this is so, like when it becomes quite pervasive and I've got somebody who is maybe hurting themselves out of their anger, or they're just ruminating in a stuck place for days at a time, or they make decisions sometimes to kind of blow their life up. You know, it can be a job, a relationship, different things because they're intensely feeling those painful emotions of rejection, and they need more time working with that than sometimes we have in session. So, now, an intensive's not for everyone.

Things that you can do that really help to shift that experience. It can take a little bit more time, but it's the same rules that apply to a big intense emotions at any other time or for a person who, for a person who is neurotypical, right? Which is trying to just kind of stop and just get that pause going and then do the deep breathing work and try to calm the system down and regulate a bit before you proceed. One of the biggest things that happens with people in general, but especially in the neurodivergent community is that pause is so hard to access because of the neurology of the diagnosis, right? And then the compounded shame and all the feelings that can flood in because neurodivergent brains don't bring in information in a traditional kind of vertical way. Information kind of comes in horizontally from multiple directions and it's quite overwhelming to the system. And I just will ask people to kind of sit and breathe and pull that over activation down with tapping. I was working with someone recently who said, you know, I have been tapping like five to six to seven times a day trying to get all of this out of my system. I've been doing the thought challenging. I have been deep breathing. I have been asking, you know, a person that I trust, you know, is my thinking sensible, reasonable? Am I hearing it, responding to it more intensely than seems appropriate? Trying to get perspective. Is there a different way for me to see this that I'm just not able to access? Am I personalizing it? Am I making it all about me? I think I may have mentioned this in the previous podcast, but one of the things that I will say to people once they're more calm and regulated is there's three sides to a story. It's yours, the other person, and then maybe the truth. And then can you get to more of a growth mindset, right? There's a lot of contraction and restriction and almost smallness in those feelings with rejection sensitivity, dysphoria, and can you get into more expansiveness, right? But it can be hard. And I just wanna validate that if you are the person who is struggling with this, you know, these are the techniques that I just mentioned that can be quite helpful. And at the same time, it's really challenging if you are someone who has a loved one that struggles with RSD. I personally have mentioned numerous times in this podcast that my husband is diagnosed with neurodivergency and rejection sensitivity.

It makes it absolutely amazing and lovely to be married to him because he is so sensitive so then all of the emotions land deeply with him. So that's so fun and at the same time it makes him quite tender emotionally at times and in need of great care. And you know I'm able to help him regulate his nervous system when I can see that he's been emotionally wounded by something that was maybe just ill-intentioned, but maybe just kind of roughly handled. You know what I mean? Sometimes people just aren't as careful with their reactions or their responses. Or sometimes, and he knows it, he's just personalizing. He's making things about himself that aren't, or he's not thinking expansively enough. He's gotten too attached. And I can just kind of, because his nervous system trusts mine, I'm able to kind of get in there and gently and lovingly help them see the perspective of things because I don't struggle with rejection, sensitivity, dysphoria. It's just not how my brain is wired. I think it's kind of hard to do my job and be sensitive to rejection. I think once you become a therapist and you're an entrepreneur and all the things, and I have been self-employed since I was like 20, 21.

And I'm not gonna say my age today, but you know, it's been a while. You can't be sensitive to rejection and be okay doing this work, right? There's a lot of failure, a lot of no's before there's yes's. And it's part of my journey. So my brain is just kind of wired differently. But if you are someone who loves someone with RSD, if you are someone who is struggling with RSD, know that like the neurology is a big part of this. You can work with this neurologically through nervous system regulation and brain health. You can work with this psychologically through therapy. And if you're really struggling with this and it's time, a day intensive, a three day intensive, a five day intensive might be exactly what you need. So reach out to me, shoot me a DM, talk to me about it, and I would love to see what we can do to help you. Have a great day!